The Man I Want to Be Read online

  At Hannah’s nod, Cassandra chuckled. “You little minx.”

  Kenna casually kept her focus forward, brought her drink to her mouth, sipped, and placed it back down. Yep, she and Bear had done that, too. Actually, it had been on his daddy’s John Deere. But the same principal applied.

  Estelle tipped her head back and finished the rest of her glass, then slammed it on the table. “Another round!” she called out. When no one came running with a tray of refills, Estelle grunted and excused herself to lumber toward the bar.

  “What’s next? What’s next?” Tracy asked, practically bouncing in her seat.

  Cassandra threw a look at Estelle, who was still waiting for service at the bar. “How about…never have I ever masturbated in front of someone else.”

  Sam’s lips curled, and one eyebrow quirked in challenge. “Who’s gonna own up to it, ladies?”

  Nervous eyes glanced around at one another, waiting to see who would respond.

  Kenna wasn’t going to be the only one, so she sat and waited, too.

  “You sure as hell better drink on that one,” a low, deep voice whispered into her ear.

  Bryan.

  Something hot and unexpected hit Kenna. Her insides tightened, and her eyes drifted closed. That gravelly voice. That warm breath across her skin. The man it belonged to.

  She’d masturbated in front of him. More than once. She’d gotten massive satisfaction seeing his reaction as she did it. But she wasn’t going to think about it. Not his predatory stare as he’d watched her. Not the way he’d barely restrained himself, wanting to stop her so he could finish her off. Nope. She wasn’t even thinking about it right now. Not at all.

  Kenna squeezed her legs together and spun on the chair to meet hooded blue eyes. His expression told her he was reliving that particular memory right now, too. “Go ahead,” he said. “Drink.”

  “Ash!” Sam got to her feet and nearly catapulted over the table to get to her fiancé, which thankfully pulled Kenna out of whatever trance Bear put her in.

  She shook herself and came back to the present.

  Bryan didn’t take his eyes off her. “Still waiting.”

  She jutted her chin out. “The game’s finished.”

  He leaned over her, his masculine, woodsy scent hitting her nostrils the second he moved, and reached for her glass. Sliding it in front of her, he commanded in a steely voice, “I said drink.”

  A nervous thrill washed over her. He was commanding her like he used to do. And on instinct, she wanted to obey. God, did she want to obey.

  She gave herself a few extra seconds to recover. Instead of responding to what he said, she changed the topic. “What are you guys doing here?”

  His expression suggested he knew what she was doing, but he played along. “Guess Sam and Cass couldn’t be away from Ash and Luke for more than five minutes. They called and made us join your party.”

  The women at their table had scattered over the last few minutes, so Bryan took it upon himself to lower into the seat next to hers. One arm draped over the back of his chair, and the other rested on the table in front of them. He angled his body to face her, taking up most of her personal space with his big body. It felt natural. Normal. Being this close. It was disconcerting how easily she forgot about his betrayal. Or maybe she didn’t forget as much as her body just disregarded it because she wanted him so badly.

  “Where were you before this? Were you guys at a different bar?” she asked.

  He pulled a strand of her red hair over her shoulder, holding it between his thick fingers. Playing with the ends, he said, “Nah. Luke’s suite has a kick-ass panoramic view of the ocean. We ordered a shit ton of room service and were watching the fight on pay-per-view.”

  She pulled her hair out of his hold and flipped it over her shoulder, pushing aside that long-ignored feeling of warmth his touch always brought on. “Sounds like a good time.”

  “It was,” he said, letting his hand fall. “Then those vagina suckers wanted to come down here. It was the last round, too. Valdez was getting ready to knock out Christenson.”

  “You could’ve stayed and finished watching the fight. You didn’t have to join the other men, you know.”

  His gaze dropped to her mouth, and the ghost of a smile touched his lips. “Yeah, but I like what I’m watching now better.”

  She found herself staring at his mouth, too. Bringing her eyes up where they belonged, she eased back a few inches. “Bryan.”

  “What?”

  “You know what,” she said. “You can’t make comments like that. You gave up that right when you—”

  “Didn’t come back.” He pulled away from her, slamming his back against the chair. “I got it. Can’t I enjoy looking at you for five goddamn seconds without you reminding me how bad I fucked up?”

  Fucked up? So he was acknowledging that it was his fault. That he was the one who ruined things between them.

  That he’d lost her.

  She looked at him, noticing his posture was a little askew and his eyes glassy. “Have you been drinking?”

  “Yeah, so? You gonna bitch at me for that, too? I don’t need you telling me what to do, Kenna.”

  She got in his face. “You never did, you jackass.”

  He met her the rest of the way, bringing his confused expression closer to hers. The tip of his nose brushed hers. “What are you saying, woman?”

  “You never listened to me in the past,” she clarified. “Why start now?”

  “Maybe I would’ve listened if you hadn’t nagged me all the damn time.”

  She inhaled a sharp breath and shot backward. “I did not nag.”

  He raised his voice about four octaves, and said, “Bear, do this. Bear, do that. Bear, you forgot to empty the trash again.” He huffed a breath and went back to his normal voice. “Every fucking day, woman. Sometimes a man doesn’t want to take out the trash. You ever think about that? Maybe he just wants to sit and watch the game with a bowl of popcorn and his hand down his pants without listening to his woman complain about every single thing he didn’t do right. Christ, Kenna. You’d think I was never enough for you.” His eyes were clouded from the effect of alcohol, but his tone was strong and direct. He was serious.

  She blanched, her face immediately going ice cold. “Of course you were. Why would you say that?”

  He grunted with one side of his lip lifting cynically. “No reason.”

  Bryan started to turn away, but she gripped his arm. “Wait.” When he brought somber eyes up to hers, her insides hollowed. “Why did you just say that?”

  His expression was straightforward. He meant it. All this time, had he really believed he wasn’t enough for her? Was that why he’d stayed away? Why he didn’t come back? But that didn’t make sense. She’d convinced herself it was her. Somehow she wasn’t enough.

  “Bryan, you were always enough for me. You know that, right?” More than enough, actually. Sometimes too much. There had never been anyone else for her. He was it.

  He grunted again and looked away. “Sure.”

  “You were,” she insisted. “Why would you think otherwise? I mean, I know we argued. God, how we argued. We’re both hardheaded. We both want our way all the time. But we always got past it, didn’t we? That was no reason to think we weren’t good together.”

  He stared at the rest of the bridal party on the other side of the bar, his chest rising and falling with labored breaths. “Forget it.”

  “No. I want to know.” She had to ask if this was why he never came back. If she didn’t do it now, she’d always wonder. If that was the reason, she had to know why. He’d never mentioned a problem with their relationship while they were together. He’d proposed to her the evening before he shipped out to basic training for crying out loud. If there’d been a problem, why tie himself to her?

  “Is that why you—” She stopped and cleared her throat. Her body started to hum, blood seeming to rush through her veins faster. She’d waited so long to c
onfront him. To find out why he’d stayed away. The moment was here, and it was almost crippling. “What I mean to say is…did you not come back because you thought you weren’t enough—”

  “I said forget it!” he snapped, eyes wide and blazing.

  She fell back a step from the force of his anger. She glanced around the bar, but no one seemed to be watching them. The surrounding clatter of noise must’ve drowned out the boom of his voice.

  He sighed, running a hand over his crown, smoothing a few loose hairs. “Jesus, Kenna. Can’t you ever let anything go? Why do we have to rehash our shit over and over again? We’re over. Done. Get that through your head, okay?”

  Kenna advanced on him and tipped her chin up, gritting her teeth. “Oh, I got that part loud and clear. You made damn sure of that, didn’t you? Don’t worry, Bryan, that chapter of my life is closed and I’ve moved on. Just like you wanted.”

  Kenna wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing she’d pined for him for years. That she’d been unsatisfied with her own hands and had refused to give up hope that one day he’d come back. She wasn’t that stupid, foolish girl in love anymore.

  Surprise and hurt flashed across his face before he threw up a stone-cold expression. “Good,” he said, practically spitting the word out. “You’re right. It’s exactly what I wanted.” But something in the taut set of his lips suggested he’d meant the opposite.

  “I’m happy to oblige,” she said. “You should know I’m happy. I have a really good life without you. It’s been great. Amazing, even.”

  A hint of sadness crossed his face before he glanced away. It made her stomach drop. He’d hurt her with his words, so she’d wanted to do the same to him. It’s what they did. They could spar back and forth with the best of them. But he’d never reacted this way before. It immediately thawed her spitefulness.

  “Bryan.” She laid a hand on his forearm, but he pulled away.

  “Forget it,” he said. “I’m gonna hang with the guys. Have a good night.”

  Before she could respond, he turned and marched to the bar, where the rest of the wedding party gathered. Ash had his arm out, ready to welcome his buddy into the celebration. Catching Bear’s sour mood, Ash’s own smile faded and he glanced over at Kenna.

  She attempted a grin, but it was phony, and she knew Ash noticed.

  Guilt filled her. She should stop feeling sorry for herself, for the loss of her relationship, and for the way she was treating Bear. It was time to put the past behind her. What mattered was getting her mom’s ring back and making sure Sam had a perfect wedding week. She could put aside her differences with Bear and make that happen.

  No more moping. No more bitching.

  Time to enjoy her week and not drag anyone else down.

  Chapter Seven

  “You okay, man?” Ash asked, throwing one arm around Tyke’s shoulders and using the other to hand him a towering stein of beer.

  Bryan gulped the cold liquid, hoping it would settle his nerves. “Yeah, I’m good. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  Ash chuckled lightly. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because your ex-fiancée that you haven’t seen in however many years just randomly showed up at your best friends’ wedding and put your dick in a twist.”

  Tyke threw a look at Ash. “My dick’s not in a twist.”

  One lift of Ash’s shoulder, then, “In a vice, then.”

  He didn’t comment. It was the truth. Kenna had a strong hold on him, and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted her to squeeze tighter or let go.

  I’m happy. I have a really good life without you.

  It’s what he’d wanted for her. What he’d hoped for. He’d never wanted her broken up about him. Yet, hearing her say it out loud didn’t give him the satisfaction he thought it would. In fact, it hurt like a bitch.

  A tiny glimmer of struggle would’ve made him feel better. Not because he’d wanted her to suffer, but because there was some solace in knowing she hurt as bad as he did. Instead, when she said it, her eyes were clear and her voice strong. She really had been fine without him. He sure as hell hadn’t been fine without her. He still wasn’t fine without her. He wasn’t sure he knew what fine felt like anymore.

  Tyke watched as she approached the bar, sexy swing in her hips and confident smile. She was a striking woman. The innocent girlish face he remembered was gone. In its place was a fierce woman with arresting blue eyes and sharp cheekbones. She used to wear a T-shirt and cutoffs, which made his blood run more than hot, but now she wore pieces that accented her curvy ass and full breasts. The tank top tonight was low cut, giving him a healthy dose of cleavage to look at. The skirt was just small enough to show off tanned, sculpted legs. It drove him crazy. He wanted to lift the tiny fabric and touch her where he knew she’d scream for more.

  If he thought she’d gotten to him when they were younger, he was reaching all-time highs in temperature now.

  “Tyke, I’m sorry. Sam and I had no idea. If I would’ve known, I would’ve told you.”

  “Huh?” he said, trying to focus on what his friend was saying, but his eyes were glued on Kenna.

  She smiled at one of the other bridesmaids he couldn’t remember the name of. A peppy blonde. Kenna fanned herself and lifted her long red mane off her neck, and he nearly charged her right there. He wanted his lips on the column of her neck. Wanted to hear her whimper. He wanted to work his way down her body and back up again until they both got out whatever frustration they were still holding on to.

  “I repeated that I was sorry,” Ash said. “But, like I said, your dick’s so twisted you can’t even hear me.”

  Kenna caught him watching her, so he turned back to Ash. “Tonight’s about you and Calder. Let’s fucking drink.”

  Ash hesitated, probably to see if Tyke was going to jump off the deep end, then he laughed. “Yeah, okay.” Clinking his glass against Tyke’s, he lifted it in a toast and then drank.

  Luke made his way over with a satisfied smirk.

  “Oh, hell,” Tyke said, sliding his forearm across his mouth to get the droplets of beer left on his beard. “What now? If you say we have to dance on the bar in G-strings because Cass wants it for her wedding, I’m done. Tell her to go fuck herself.”

  “You have issues, you know that?” Luke said, stopping at their side. He shook his head, but his grin belied the negative effect. “Seriously, Tyke. You need to get laid or something.”

  No kidding.

  Luke slapped a hand on Ash’s shoulder. “Gear up, men. The ladies want to play drinking games. They actually think they can take us. You believe that?”

  Ash chuckled and looked at Bryan. “Didn’t you tell them we have the grizzly bear on our team?”

  Tyke’s back teeth clenched. “Fuck you, man. We were kids. No one even calls me that anymore.”

  “Take it easy on him, Ash,” Luke said through his own laugh. “I need him. I’ve got a blow job riding on this game.”

  Tyke harrumphed. “Don’t you think you two have done it enough this week? Jesus, you’re getting married. Shouldn’t she be cutting you off by now?”

  “So much to learn, little Padawan,” Luke said. “So much to learn.”

  The trio approached the other end of the bar, where a large group gathered to watch. Five women lined one side of a rectangular table, already in place and waiting. Two men were on the other side, watching Ash, Bryan, and Luke approach. The first, Sean Sawyer, stood about six foot with sandy-blond hair and light-colored eyes. He had a baby face that drove women nuts. Right now he was rocking the start of a five o’clock shadow he’d probably started growing about a month ago. He was team leader for another four-man DEA team like Ash was the lead for Luke, Bryan, and Jason. Sawyer and his team had backed them up on some crazy shit. Sawyer was a good guy.

  The second man at the table was one of Sawyer’s teammates, Tyler Murray. While he was taller than Sean, Tyler wasn’t as broad. What he lacked in muscle mass he made up for with agility and speed. The guy was like a
jujitsu master.

  “Where’s Reese?” Tyke asked.

  Luke gestured with his chin to a table a few feet away.

  Jason sat with his cute blonde, smiling over a set of drinks. The two seemed in their own world together.

  Red plastic cups had been placed on the table in preparation for the competition, five on one side and five on the other.

  Tyke sidled up to the middle of the table across from Cass, but Luke checked him hard in the shoulder. “Nice try, asshole. You’re anchor.”

  Looking at the far end of the table on the women’s side, across from where he was going to stand was Kenna. Of course. Because his friends hated him.

  “Kenna,” he said, standing across from her.

  “Bryan,” she said just as evenly.

  “You ready for this?” he said. “I mean, I don’t want you to feel bad when you girls lose. Calder’s got a lot riding on this game.” He leaned in like he wanted to tell her a secret. “And we’re pretty fucking good.”

  She made a thoughtful sound deep in her throat and didn’t look very worried.

  He couldn’t be happier to have something else to focus on other than all the unresolved shit between him and Kenna. Nothing like a good, healthy dose of competition to ignore one’s real problems.

  “All right, everybody,” Maybel’s voice shouted over the din of the bar. The eighty-something woman was in a sleeveless shirt and skirt down to her knees. Her gray hair was more fluffy than normal, and she wore pink lipstick on her usually bare lips. She was the fourth member of the old-lady squad. She lived on the same street in Baltimore as Sam and Ash, Rose, and Celia. “Some ground rules. One round. That’s it. Winner takes all.”

  “ ’Cause that’s all we’re going to need to beat you guys,” Sam said across the table at Ash.

  Ash and Luke exchanged looks, laughing.

  “Don’t touch your cup until the person before you is finished and their cup lands upside down,” Maybel went on. “Any premature actions will result in your team’s forfeit.”

  “You hear that, Tyke?” Luke jabbed him in the side. “Don’t blow your wad prematurely. I need this.”