The Man I Want to Be Read online

  His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Did you have fun?”

  She swallowed past her dry throat. “Yeah. She and I haven’t had a chance to really talk this week, so it was nice catching up with her.”

  “Good,” he said. “That’s real good.”

  “Did you, um, have a good morning?”

  “Yeah, it was good. Got breakfast with Reese and Megan.”

  “I’m glad you had a nice time.”

  “Me, too,” he said, looking up at her.

  God, this was painful. Tiptoeing around each other like a bunch of inexperienced kids.

  A silent moment stretched out between them. She swayed from one foot to the other, debating how to tell him that she heard him say “I love you” last night and that she loved him, too.

  He started. “Kenna, look, I’m sorry. I know you’re pissed at me. You have every right to be. But I want you to know why.”

  “Wait,” she said, recalling everything Aunt Estelle had told her. The past couldn’t be changed, but the future could. If she forgave Bear and made use of the time they still had left together. “I want to be honest with you, too. I want you to know that I heard you last night. When you came in after dinner.” She waited to see whether something in his expression suggested he knew what she was referring to. When his face showed recollection, she said, “Did you mean it? What you said?”

  His eyes warmed. “Yeah, I meant it.”

  Her heart immediately started to thaw. That ice fortress she’d built and kept erect for so long started to crumble as her chest filled with hope. “I want to hear it again,” she said. “I want you to tell me again, since you’re not drunk, and I’m fully awake.”

  He hesitated, looking a little unsure. But after a second, he stood and reached for her hand. “Kenna, I love you. I’ve loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you. I’ve never stopped.”

  She let the meaning of those words sink in. She let them infuse her body with the warmth she’d been missing for the last twelve years. The feeling of utter contentment. She was complete. Whole. “I love you, too,” she said. “I was stupid to think I didn’t.”

  His expression faltered a little, and he dropped her hand. “Don’t say that.”

  “Say what?” she asked. “That I love you? Why? I do, Bryan. I love you so much. I never stopped loving you.”

  “You don’t. You can’t.”

  “I can. And I do,” she said, frustration rising. Her next words were agitated. “What’s the matter with you? Why are you backing up?”

  He cradled his head in his hands as he dropped back onto the bed. “Kenna, you don’t understand.”

  She sat next to him. “Then help me understand.”

  He looked at her so tormented that she had to remind herself to calm down. It could be anything. She didn’t want to jump to conclusions that it was something bad.

  He let out a ragged breath. “Once I tell you, you’ll see. But you won’t love me anymore. You won’t be able to.”

  That seemed impossible to believe.

  Kenna placed a hand on his knee, and he jerked under her touch. She pulled her hand back and clasped it with the other in her lap. “I’ll decide how I feel,” she said.

  Springing from his seat, he whirled to face her. “When I was in the Army, they sent me to Iraq.”

  She nodded, already knowing that. For the first few months he’d been there, he’d sent letters and emails telling her about what the towns looked like. The people. What the war was like. She remembered not really caring about any of that except the fact that he was okay. Still alive.

  “My convoy was on a scouting mission,” he went on, “and we got ambushed.”

  She definitely hadn’t heard about that. “What happened?” She tried to prepare herself, though she didn’t know for what.

  “I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. It was bad.” He ran a hand over his smooth crown. “Out of the four of us, two of my guys…” He swallowed. “Two of them didn’t make it.”

  She gasped.

  He paused to exhale what was surely a horrid memory. “When I made it back to Medical, I didn’t remember a lot. But I did remember one thing. I’d been shot.”

  “Shot?” she all but shouted. “How? Where?” Her frantic gaze searched his body top to bottom.

  “It was—”

  There was a firm string of knocks on their door.

  Bryan got up and approached the sound. “Who is it?”

  “Officers Baxter and Hernandez.”

  He looked back at Kenna with an expression that jolted through her. They’d caught him. They’d caught Clint Azure. Thank God.

  Kenna was on her feet in an instant.

  Opening the door, Bryan gestured for the officers to enter. They stood in the doorway, Officer Hernandez, based on the gold nameplate over his heart, propped one black boot against the door to keep it open.

  Their gazes slid to Kenna and back to Bryan, a silent question in their expressions.

  “It’s okay,” Bryan said. “She’ll want to hear this, too.”

  Officer Baxter readjusted his weight and gave Bear another look. One she couldn’t decipher at first.

  In that split second, Kenna noticed a few things. First, her heart started beating at a rate that was loud enough for all in the room to hear. Second, the officers didn’t look relieved or proud of the news they brought. And third, Bryan’s posture suddenly wilted.

  No.

  Then Officer Baxter said three words she wasn’t ready to hear. “It’s not him.”

  Him?

  She threw a look at Bryan. Surely they couldn’t be talking about Clint.

  Bear’s gaze skated in her direction, touching her for a ghost of a second before he focused back on the officers. “You’re sure?”

  One simple drop of Officer Hernandez’s chin.

  “Why did he run then?” she jumped in. “Innocent men don’t run.”

  The two officers didn’t respond to her question. Instead, Officer Hernandez kept his attention on Bear. “We caught up with him in Galveston. He sang like a canary about the drugs. But when we asked him about the thefts, he didn’t know what we were talking about.”

  “And you believed him?” Kenna asked, her voice raising an octave.

  Bear made a sound, telling her to calm down.

  How could he be so stoic? The officers had just implied that Clint wasn’t their thief! Damn it, she and Bear should’ve insisted on being there while the police questioned Clint. More eyes were always better than fewer.

  “I want to talk with him,” she said, knowing she didn’t have to clarify to whom she was referring.

  Both officers glanced at Bear, seeming to question her importance. The air in the room grew thick with annoyance after she doubted the men’s abilities to do their jobs.

  When Officer Baxter spoke, his words were tight. “Sorry, ma’am, the only thing Clint Azure is guilty of is getting a bunch of rowdy tourists high.”

  They exchanged a few more bits of information, nothing at all as confounding or aggravating as their initial piece. Then Bear held out a hand, shaking each officer’s hand in turn, and thanked both men for their time. They turned toward the door, offering to provide anything else they found.

  “But…” This didn’t make sense. It was him. It had to be.

  Frozen in place, she watched them leave.

  Once the door closed, Bryan came back to stand in front of her but didn’t say anything. His placating expression said enough.

  “We had him,” she said. “It was him. It had to be.” It couldn’t be anyone else. They were out of time.

  “Sometimes that’s the way it goes.”

  That’s it? That’s all he had to say?

  Oh, shucks. Too bad. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

  Of course, because he’d never had anything ripped away from him.

  “Do you even care that Clint slipped through our fingers?”

  His cool gaze assessed her. “He didn�
�t slip anywhere. As far as we’re concerned, he’s innocent.”

  “So that’s it? We’re just going to let him go?”

  “That’s how this works, Kenna. He’s not our guy.”

  Then who was?

  Maybe she’d missed something. Maybe Michael wasn’t the decent guy she’d thought. Maybe there was a sinister part of him, or no, a desperate part that needed those items, for whatever reason. And Joseph Landry, just because he was Bryan’s boss didn’t mean he was a good guy. Corruption lurked everywhere, didn’t it?

  Both men were worth a second look.

  “If you don’t want to keep going,” she said, “then don’t. But I can’t sit back and wait for Michael or Joseph to strike again.”

  Bryan’s sharp laugh made her shoulders tense. “Now all of a sudden Tucker and Landry are back on your list?”

  “We never officially ruled them out,” she said with a lift of her chin.

  His ice-blue eyes narrowed. “You never ruled them out. I know for damn sure Landry isn’t involved. Michael, either. I’d stake my life on it.”

  “That ring is my life,” she said through clenched teeth.

  They stared each other down, neither one giving an inch.

  “I’m going to restart with the two people that I know have motive.”

  He snorted, cold and sarcastic. “Motive? Because they vaguely look like the man you might or might not have seen walking near your room?”

  Her jaw dropped. Asshole. He’d seen the video. There had been a man in her room. There was no doubt.

  “We need to look at this objectively,” he said, bearing his gaze down on her, pinning her in place in the middle of the room. “Let’s look back at what we know and regroup.”

  “There isn’t enough time to regroup! We’ve been through the list of men who fit the description. There’s no one left. It’s Michael or Joseph,” she said.

  “Oh, yeah? What makes you so sure?”

  “Because they had to!” she yelled. “They have to be guilty!” Her mother’s ring was gone, and her aunt’s brooch was stolen. The thought that the items might never be returned, mixed with her jumbled feelings about Bear, was sending her over the edge. “It has to be one of them, okay? We don’t have time for it to be someone else. It has to be them.”

  Oh God, her stomach was in so many knots she might be sick. They weren’t going to find it.

  “And if it’s not?”

  “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” she said.

  “What?” His voice was dangerously calm.

  “You’d like that,” she repeated. “If we don’t find my mom’s ring. You’d be satisfied to leave this island without it. No more thoughts of weddings or happiness for anyone. You can go back to your life—wherever that is—continuing to ignore the torment you caused me. Was that all this was? A pity party? Some way for you to appease me for the week? Act like you’d find the ring, when really you weren’t even trying?”

  “You’re entering dangerous territory, Kenna,” he said. “You might want to think before you take things in this direction.”

  She laughed in his face, hard and sardonic. “What are you going to do about it?” She shoved him in his chest. “Nothing. Like usual. You’ll just walk away. It’s what you do.”

  He went from barely contained anger to full-on raging bull in a split second. His face was inflamed. His chest puffed in large amounts of air. His hands fisted at his sides. “I know you’re upset, so I’m going to let that comment slide. But you need to choose your next words very carefully.”

  “You know what? No. I’m done talking. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you to find my ring. I’ll do it myself.” She took two steps, ready to go out and find the items on her own, but his firm hand clutched her arm. She whipped her head toward the contact, then up at his face. “Let. Me. Go.”

  “You’re not walking out like that,” he said. “Not on a rampage. You’re gonna sit your ass right here until you calm down.”

  She tugged against his hold, but he didn’t relent. “Let go.”

  He tightened his grip. Not enough to hurt her but enough to send a clear message.

  Kenna narrowed her eyes, and if she could’ve done it, she would’ve shot daggers out of them.

  With a simple flip of his arm, he tossed her onto the bed, her butt landing hard.

  “You can’t just throw me around whenever you feel like it, you beast.”

  “Pretty sure I just did.”

  She tried to stand, but he shot her such a menacing look that it knocked her feet out from under her.

  “You wanna go out there and go hunting, fine,” he said. “But you’re gonna calm down, and you’re gonna hear me out before you charge out of this room pissed about something you don’t understand. We’re going to finish the conversation we started before the cops came in.”

  “I don’t give a shit what you say,” she said, her voice starting to climb once more. She couldn’t control it. He’d promised her he’d find the ring. I always keep my promises, he’d said. Obviously not. “Nothing will change my opinion of you now. You’re heartless, uncaring, and you don’t deserve me!”

  He’d bent in a flash, and his face was inches from hers. “I know I don’t!”

  They were so close she could see the blood vessels straining in the whites of his eyes. His teeth bared like a rabid animal stalking its prey. His heavy breaths gusting across her lips like a squall across the ocean.

  “I don’t,” he said more calmly, backing away. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I wish I did deserve you, Kenna. But I don’t.” The look that came next completely annihilated her. It was so meaningful. So decisive. So heartbreaking.

  “I’m sorry for what I did all those years ago,” he said. “The way I left you hanging with no reason for why I didn’t come back. I just couldn’t… I just couldn’t bear how badly I’d failed you. So I used this week as a way to try to make it up to you. I thought if I could find your ring, then you’d be less pissed at me, and I could apologize. Even if we can’t be together, you at least deserved that.”

  Even if we can’t be together.

  “Why can’t we be together?” she asked. “I thought—I thought you were trying to find the items so we could be together.”

  His sympathetic gaze tore her in two. “It was never about that. It was only ever about apologizing to you. I told you. We can never be like we were. This week was it.”

  “But…” Her throat clogged with overwhelming emotion. Her eyes stung. “But you love me.”

  “More than anything,” he said softly. “But I’m not what you need. I’ll never be.”

  Oh God. The realization was too much. This was her biggest fear. He was walking away again. This time for good. There would be no hope of him returning. It was over.

  She stood, gripping his shirt, pulling him to her. “But you are. You’ve always been exactly what I need. What I’ll always need.”

  He tried to turn his head away, but she yanked him back to her.

  She’d finally attempted to trust Bryan again. She’d finally let herself imagine a future with him. She finally had hope.

  He watched her, his eyes filling with tears of his own. It nearly brought her to her knees. He was bared to her. Completely. “I have to. I can’t give you what you want.”

  “You don’t know what I want!” she cried.

  “I do,” he said it so softly, it scared the living shit out of her. Bear wasn’t soft or timid about anything.

  “You’re what I want!” She tried to pull his mouth to hers, but he lifted his chin out of her reach.

  “Kenna, stop,” he said.

  She tugged at him again.

  “Stop!” he shouted. “Jesus Christ, it’s not gonna work, okay? I can’t give you kids. It’s never gonna work. I can’t do it.”

  She froze, her grip on him immediately releasing. “Kids? What do you— But that would mean…”

  “I’m shooting blanks, Kenna.”

&
nbsp; “But…”

  He shook his head. “You’ll never be happy with me. Don’t you understand? One day you’ll resent me for not being able to give you what you want.” His eyes were clear and direct as he stared at her. “Don’t you see? I did the work for you. I didn’t come back so you’d never have to feel bad about leaving me later on.”

  She tried to form words, but they wouldn’t come. This was the last thing she expected. He’d found another woman. He’d gotten tired of Kenna. He didn’t love her anymore. Those were what she’d replayed in her mind for years.

  Not that he couldn’t give her children.

  It was all she dreamed about since she was a young girl—the day she’d hold her own children in her arms the way her mom used to hold her. Playing dress up with her daughter and throwing the ball with her son. And the man in those dreams—the father of those children—had always been Bear. Always. There was no one else she wanted to share that life with. The vision was so clear in her mind that it felt real. It would happen.

  But he was saying it wouldn’t. It couldn’t.

  A look of understanding passed over his face. “See?” he said gently. “We can’t be together. I’d only end up disappointing you. And that’s something I can’t live with. I couldn’t fathom you hating me because of something I can’t control. If I could’ve done something about it, I would have. Believe me, Kenna, I tried.”

  She couldn’t breathe. It was so much to process. “Why didn’t you just tell me? Why didn’t you let us work through it together?”

  “I’m a coward. I couldn’t see that look—the one you’re giving me right now—and have it etched in my brain forever. I just couldn’t.”

  His earlier words came back to her. Don’t you see? I did the work for you. I didn’t come back so you’d never have to feel bad about leaving me later on.

  No, he hadn’t wanted to save her from a hard decision. He just didn’t want to face her. It was his own lack of confidence that kept him away. He should’ve known that if it came down to Kenna choosing Bear or being without him, she’d always choose him. Always. No matter his condition.